Monday, October 22, 2012

Fat. Fatty fat fat.

I know better than to blog when I am emotional.  I do.  But sometimes I like to ignore that little voice in my head telling me that I should be reasonable.  Because I can.

This week's weight: 134lbs
Goal weight: 130lbs

The weight is still a goal.  Because, according to my very lovely husband "you still have weight you could lose".  Which, he did clarify to say, meant that I am not yet anorexic (actually, the term he used was "growing fur" but I made the leap.).

I know what he's trying to say.  Scott is telling me that:

a) I knew what I was getting into
b) I am disrespecting the integrity of the challenge

But what I hear is that I'm fat.


I know better.  I know that I'm not fat.  My head understands that weight doesn't matter, it's how I feel about my body.  It's that I feel strong and healthy.

My self esteem still hears it.  The dreaded "F" word. 

He didn't tell me I'm fat.  Not exactly.  He went so far as to preface his comments with "I'm not saying that you're fat".  Regardless, hearing the words "You have weight to lose" and "You should keep on losing weight" hurt.  A lot.

It doesn't matter how many time HE tells me that it's not what he was saying.  It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that that isn't what he was saying.  The echo of the feeling resonates through me.

fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.

I work so hard and (usually) feel so good about myself.  A lot of my healthy body image is comes from the knowledge that Scott finds me attractive.  Well, that, and shopping for clothes!

So, what am I going to do about it?

What? You mean I can't just complain about a problem? I actually need to fix this frickin' mess?


First: I'm going to cry until I feel better.

Second: Diet, diet, diet! And go.

Third: Prioritize.  Make the time, every day, for my diet.  Too frickin' bad if it gets in the way of laundry or dishes.  You wanted me to do this?  I will. (Implied: So there!)

Fourth: If I don't make it, then I don't make it.  Missing one year of drinking at Christmas won't kill me.  I can dd everyone everywhere.  I won't tell anyone why I can't drink and let them think I'm pregnant.

Pity party over.  Mostly.


  1. We have talked about this is RL, so I have nothing new to say, but felt this post shouldn't be left commentless.

    It is very hard when your biggest emotional support is suddenly taken away when you go to lean on it, kind of like "missing" the top step when you're already at the top of the staircase. You can tell yourself that you just made a tiny misstep and you're fine, but your heart is still beating wildly because it felt like you were going to fall.

    Sometimes emotions suck this way, when you just can't help feeling what you are feeling. Especially when that feeling is vulnerability or hurt. However, the confidence will come back. You will feel better when you get compliments, when you shop, and when you remember all the reasons you love your body. Scott does love you, only has eyes for you, and finds you very sexy. The next time he checks you out when you are all sweaty and exhausted from running and he still wants you, you will feel better again :)

    And on the plus side, think of all the favours you can get out of him while he tries to apologize! And the guilt for putting other things aside while you work out? Gone!

    Remember, you are strong and beautiful and are the standard that most people in your life hold themselves to. "If only I could be as thin/fit/productive/cheerful/happy/dedicated/driven/smart/etc. as Krista..." then the world would be a better place :)

  2. I have thought about this a lot this week. It is so disheartening to be working so hard and hear someone ( especially your partner) say there is still room for improvement. When by most of the world's standards, there doesn't have to be. Pushing through will be very hard, but when you get there, you will be proud of what you did. And you never have to do it again!